I have been reflecting on the past year recently and after a while realised that a lot has happened, both good and bad, that I think I should document.
This time last year I was in a bad place. I was on medication which probably wasn't being helped by the amount I was drinking at the time. Rather than go home at the end of the working day, I would retreat to the pub with some friends 'for one'. One became a couple, then three and then four five nights a week. At the end of October 2010 I knew something wasn't right. That is when the doctor upped my prescription of anti-depressants to 40mgs a day (which I am still on) and it is also the time I stopped drinking. A year later I don't miss it anymore and do in fact feel better for it.
I was also, for want of a better word, suicidal. Now this may seem a rash thing to say but in all honesty I did consider it several times. I even worked out how to do it. I didn't, at any point, make any move towards carrying it out. Things look hopeless at three in the morning when you can't sleep and your Dark Half is bludgeoning your self-esteem and sense of perspective.
I would like to state quite clearly that those thoughts are gone.
I have had counselling which was organised through my GP and I have found it really useful. I have been using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (Google it) and that has taught me a lot about dealing with my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. The good news is I still use the techniques I learnt to get me through the day and it gives me a more positive outlook on life.
Also, after several months of procrastinating (not unusual for me), in June I finally got something which has really made a difference to me, physically, mentally and financially. She is called Humbug and she is a little tabby cat from the RSPCA. She is very loving and affectionate and very good therapy. Got a bit stressed in August when she fractured her jaw but she bounced right back and is right as rain now. She has a trip to the vet next week for a final check up and to have the wire removed from her upper jaw which was helping her teeth straighten out.
I would be lying if I said there weren't the down days. I also know that there are still many things I have trouble even thinking about. I am, however, getting there.
I am going to post more frequently as well. I promise...
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Breakfast at Milliways
So far this morning I have:
1) Got up at 5.00am, made a cup of tea, gone back to bed.
2) Woke up again at about 8.00am. Had another cup of tea. Gone back to bed and finished Lifeless by Mark Billingham.
3) Got out of bed at 10.00am. Thrown on some old clothes and run the strimmer over the grass front and back. Also got the shears to the three Leylandii tree in the back garden. Borrowed a saw for ten minutes and took 2-3ft off the top of each of them.
4) Washed up.
5) Moved the modem from upstairs into the lounge and got things to work just by plugging it straight in. No trickery involved.
6) Going to finish a cup of coffee and a biscuit and then have an afternoon of:
After all this work this morning I just feel absolutely knackered!
1) Got up at 5.00am, made a cup of tea, gone back to bed.
2) Woke up again at about 8.00am. Had another cup of tea. Gone back to bed and finished Lifeless by Mark Billingham.
3) Got out of bed at 10.00am. Thrown on some old clothes and run the strimmer over the grass front and back. Also got the shears to the three Leylandii tree in the back garden. Borrowed a saw for ten minutes and took 2-3ft off the top of each of them.
4) Washed up.
5) Moved the modem from upstairs into the lounge and got things to work just by plugging it straight in. No trickery involved.
6) Going to finish a cup of coffee and a biscuit and then have an afternoon of:
- Jonah Hex (that could be cut sort)
- Spiral (6 episodes of French crime drama. Can it be my replacement for Forbrydelsen?)
- The Orphanage and Pan's Labyrinth.
After all this work this morning I just feel absolutely knackered!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
At The Door
I can feel The Dog is scratching at the door. Haven't felt this bad since January.
I thought things were starting to back on track for the last couple of months. Work was moving in the right direction and so was I. I've started this week counseling which is a good thing and felt the first session went really well. I came out feeling positive but a few hours later The Dog was nipping at my heels again.
It's had been lurking for a few days which I've put down to work issues - a lot of people are leaving through voluntary redundancy and the will be compulsory redundancies announced very soon. My own work has been going fine since I started doing less jobs in my office and being more focused on the ones I am left with. I am starting to feel happier with my own job and able to keep on top of things.
On Thursday lunchtime I met a friend for a cup of tea. They could see things weren't okay and that I was feeling frustrated and angry and worked up about things but I couldn't really explain how I am feeling largely because I was in too public a place and the best way I can put it is wanting to shout at the sky in anger. Another friend of mine describes these moments as like "howling at the moon."
Yesterday at work was dreadful. I felt so miserable, and morale is so low. 3.00pm couldn't come quick enough. I met my sister and nephew for a cup of tea and we went shopping which took my mind of stuff. We met my brother-in-law in the evening and had a really nice Chinese meal. Got home and felt like utter wank again though.
This morning I got up early, had a decaf coffee and then went back to bed again. I was supposed to be running a demo game today but couldn't face it. Spent the day doing distracting tasks and feeling irritable. I think some of my friends noticed how irked I was.
This evening I got a text inviting me for a drink at the local. Normally I would have gone. I just feel so insular and withdrawn though. This is one of the things I've got to discuss with my counselor. I don't see a lot of my friends these days. I'm feel happier to hide away with the curtains closed.
I'm supposed to be going to a barbecue tomorrow afternoon but the way I'm feeling at this evening, which has already included a walk to Tesco at 9.00pm just for some fresh air, i just don't want to go. On the plus side I am going to try and make the effort to cut the grass tomorrow morning. The antihistamines are at the ready mind.
I need to watch something distracting but can't decide what. I've also noticed over the last couple of weeks my attention span is getting smaller and I'm losing interest in things again. I sometimes get flurries of ideas and of things to do and within 30 seconds they can be gone and I can't remember what I was supposed to be doing.
I think tonight could be a long night.
I thought things were starting to back on track for the last couple of months. Work was moving in the right direction and so was I. I've started this week counseling which is a good thing and felt the first session went really well. I came out feeling positive but a few hours later The Dog was nipping at my heels again.
It's had been lurking for a few days which I've put down to work issues - a lot of people are leaving through voluntary redundancy and the will be compulsory redundancies announced very soon. My own work has been going fine since I started doing less jobs in my office and being more focused on the ones I am left with. I am starting to feel happier with my own job and able to keep on top of things.
On Thursday lunchtime I met a friend for a cup of tea. They could see things weren't okay and that I was feeling frustrated and angry and worked up about things but I couldn't really explain how I am feeling largely because I was in too public a place and the best way I can put it is wanting to shout at the sky in anger. Another friend of mine describes these moments as like "howling at the moon."
Yesterday at work was dreadful. I felt so miserable, and morale is so low. 3.00pm couldn't come quick enough. I met my sister and nephew for a cup of tea and we went shopping which took my mind of stuff. We met my brother-in-law in the evening and had a really nice Chinese meal. Got home and felt like utter wank again though.
This morning I got up early, had a decaf coffee and then went back to bed again. I was supposed to be running a demo game today but couldn't face it. Spent the day doing distracting tasks and feeling irritable. I think some of my friends noticed how irked I was.
This evening I got a text inviting me for a drink at the local. Normally I would have gone. I just feel so insular and withdrawn though. This is one of the things I've got to discuss with my counselor. I don't see a lot of my friends these days. I'm feel happier to hide away with the curtains closed.
I'm supposed to be going to a barbecue tomorrow afternoon but the way I'm feeling at this evening, which has already included a walk to Tesco at 9.00pm just for some fresh air, i just don't want to go. On the plus side I am going to try and make the effort to cut the grass tomorrow morning. The antihistamines are at the ready mind.
I need to watch something distracting but can't decide what. I've also noticed over the last couple of weeks my attention span is getting smaller and I'm losing interest in things again. I sometimes get flurries of ideas and of things to do and within 30 seconds they can be gone and I can't remember what I was supposed to be doing.
I think tonight could be a long night.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Red Sector A
Today I felt like Atrocitus.
Who is Atrocitus?
He is leader of the Red Lantern Corps. In the emotional spectrum red is the colour of rage.
It seemed today that everyone in my office was moaning in one form or another about how rubbish their Christmas or New Year was. I couldn't shut it out. I really wanted everyone to shut up and I could feel the rage boiling up inside of me. I walked away for ten minutes. One person, and it was completely innocent, described it as depressing. I, possibly quite harshly, replied "Try living like that everyday". That kind of killed the conversation off. It moved quickly onto Coronation Street.
I get angry. Everyone gets angry. I have a really short fuse though. I can be fine but the smallest thing can eventually cause me to blow. I hate myself for it. I see it in my dad as well. It really frustrates me. I wouldn't describe myself as having anger management issues, far from it. It's just a part of myself I don't like.
Today I just wanted to rage against the world. I came home with the intention of just relaxing and doing some painting. I can't be bothered to pick the brush up. I've achieved nothing tonight. It feels a waste.
Something I have found surprising though is all the comments and emails I received about my previous entry. Many described my honesty as being brave. I didn't even think about it in those terms. The thing about my sex drive is obviously very personal and in the past I've told very, very few people about (I think it could be counted on one hand and didn't include my own family). I thought it was a private issue and I didn't want to discuss it with anyone, a case of ignoring it and it will go away. Ha!
I am finding that talking about things doesn't make them go away but by sharing similar experiences with people the shit stuff becomes easier to handle. Maybe only in a small way, but the simple case of realising that you are not alone is, I would like to think, a big step.
I do know that I've never been alone. I have really good friends who I know are then when I have needed them in the past. I have a family who cares bout me. And Param is there, even after everything we're going through, as someone I know I can turn to. However knowing they are there and talking to them are two different things.
I find it very hard to talk about personal stuff in a face to face situation. I stammer, I clam up, I get confused and lose my train of thought. And those are just some of the reasons why I write this journal. I know I am certainly not the world greatest wordsmith but the simple fact of writing this stuff down in a way which means I have to think about it, enables the people who read this journal to gain a better insight of me.
And once again the simple act of writing this shit down has helped immensely. I now feel relaxed enough to get my book, read for a bit and then retire.
Who is Atrocitus?
He is leader of the Red Lantern Corps. In the emotional spectrum red is the colour of rage.
It seemed today that everyone in my office was moaning in one form or another about how rubbish their Christmas or New Year was. I couldn't shut it out. I really wanted everyone to shut up and I could feel the rage boiling up inside of me. I walked away for ten minutes. One person, and it was completely innocent, described it as depressing. I, possibly quite harshly, replied "Try living like that everyday". That kind of killed the conversation off. It moved quickly onto Coronation Street.
I get angry. Everyone gets angry. I have a really short fuse though. I can be fine but the smallest thing can eventually cause me to blow. I hate myself for it. I see it in my dad as well. It really frustrates me. I wouldn't describe myself as having anger management issues, far from it. It's just a part of myself I don't like.
Today I just wanted to rage against the world. I came home with the intention of just relaxing and doing some painting. I can't be bothered to pick the brush up. I've achieved nothing tonight. It feels a waste.
Something I have found surprising though is all the comments and emails I received about my previous entry. Many described my honesty as being brave. I didn't even think about it in those terms. The thing about my sex drive is obviously very personal and in the past I've told very, very few people about (I think it could be counted on one hand and didn't include my own family). I thought it was a private issue and I didn't want to discuss it with anyone, a case of ignoring it and it will go away. Ha!
I am finding that talking about things doesn't make them go away but by sharing similar experiences with people the shit stuff becomes easier to handle. Maybe only in a small way, but the simple case of realising that you are not alone is, I would like to think, a big step.
I do know that I've never been alone. I have really good friends who I know are then when I have needed them in the past. I have a family who cares bout me. And Param is there, even after everything we're going through, as someone I know I can turn to. However knowing they are there and talking to them are two different things.
I find it very hard to talk about personal stuff in a face to face situation. I stammer, I clam up, I get confused and lose my train of thought. And those are just some of the reasons why I write this journal. I know I am certainly not the world greatest wordsmith but the simple fact of writing this stuff down in a way which means I have to think about it, enables the people who read this journal to gain a better insight of me.
And once again the simple act of writing this shit down has helped immensely. I now feel relaxed enough to get my book, read for a bit and then retire.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Cut To The Chase
They start the year as you mean to go on.
2011 started with me having a good cry over at my friends in Lichfield. The last two days have been spent trying to unwind by playing computer games and reading and listening to music. I can probably manage about an hour before my concentration drifts. I've lost my painting mojo. I feel insecure and wish I knew where 2011 was going to go as so far I seem to have spent a lot of it confused, crying and unable to sleep without having some weird ass dreams.
Today has been another first for the new year as I had small panic attack which ultimately built up into a large amount of frustration with no way of releasing it other than writing this.
2010 ended with my seeming to finally get over the cold and cough I have had for weeks now. The trouble I have now is that every time I cough I get a gag reflex and at least 25% of the time this involves me being sick. I've had it for years and know it is made worse by stress. Knowing what causes it doesn't make it feel any better when you are crouched over the porcelain bus bringing you evening meal back up and the veins in your head feel like they are about to explode. The stomach tablets I was on a couple of months ago did seem to help clear it up as well as reduce the acid indigestion so come Tuesday I will be paying a visit to the doctor to hopefully get some more. I've had enough.
What will 2011 bring? Well it can't be much worse that 2010. Both my parents were really ill and spent time in hospital within a month of each other. Shortly after that my aunt died.
Worse of all however was that my marriage ended. My family have never been good at expressing emotion and even it now feels very hard but I feel that I need to at least start writing about it.
It had been coming for a long time but we both agree at the end it felt like we were just two people who were living together, like good friends. Unfortunately this is all my fault. My priorities were elsewhere. I don't look to the future or plan anything. I never have really and it is a failing. We never really did anything together and we just drifted apart. We never really argued about stuff.
Another thing that didn't help, and I have spoken to very few people about this, is that our sex life disappeared. Again this was my fault. I've never had a high sex drive and Param was the first girlfriend I had ever moved in with. Up until then I thought I had a normal amount of "urges" but how do you measure a sex drive when you don't spend all your time together? Anyway, a few years ago when it was becoming a problem (which I had ignored for a long time) I went to the doctors and found that my testosterone levels were very low. I was prescribed some tablets which brought my levels back up to normal however there was still no drive. Ultimately we never recovered.
Although we have separated Param and I are still friends. I know it still feels awkward occasionally for the both of us. I do still love her and want the best for her. I want her to be happy and I am glad that she is going out and doing all sorts of different things with her friends. I just wish that we hadn't got into this situation. I wish I could go back in time and punch the younger version of myself in the face and tell myself to sort myself out. But I can't, and that kills me.
I'm not looking for pity, or hugs or I don't know what. If I want to start 2011 with a move forward (and this has felt like a move forward) then I need to do this. My friend Ant wrote in a comment a few weeks ago that he stopped keeping a blog about his depression because he didn't want to upset people. So I'm going to finish this first post of 2011 with an apology.
Param, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain that you've had to go through. I'm sorry because I've let you down so many times. I can never make it up to you for all that has happened. I want you to know that I hope 2011 brings you the happiness you deserve. I'm still here for you, you only have to call.
2011 started with me having a good cry over at my friends in Lichfield. The last two days have been spent trying to unwind by playing computer games and reading and listening to music. I can probably manage about an hour before my concentration drifts. I've lost my painting mojo. I feel insecure and wish I knew where 2011 was going to go as so far I seem to have spent a lot of it confused, crying and unable to sleep without having some weird ass dreams.
Today has been another first for the new year as I had small panic attack which ultimately built up into a large amount of frustration with no way of releasing it other than writing this.
2010 ended with my seeming to finally get over the cold and cough I have had for weeks now. The trouble I have now is that every time I cough I get a gag reflex and at least 25% of the time this involves me being sick. I've had it for years and know it is made worse by stress. Knowing what causes it doesn't make it feel any better when you are crouched over the porcelain bus bringing you evening meal back up and the veins in your head feel like they are about to explode. The stomach tablets I was on a couple of months ago did seem to help clear it up as well as reduce the acid indigestion so come Tuesday I will be paying a visit to the doctor to hopefully get some more. I've had enough.
What will 2011 bring? Well it can't be much worse that 2010. Both my parents were really ill and spent time in hospital within a month of each other. Shortly after that my aunt died.
Worse of all however was that my marriage ended. My family have never been good at expressing emotion and even it now feels very hard but I feel that I need to at least start writing about it.
It had been coming for a long time but we both agree at the end it felt like we were just two people who were living together, like good friends. Unfortunately this is all my fault. My priorities were elsewhere. I don't look to the future or plan anything. I never have really and it is a failing. We never really did anything together and we just drifted apart. We never really argued about stuff.
Another thing that didn't help, and I have spoken to very few people about this, is that our sex life disappeared. Again this was my fault. I've never had a high sex drive and Param was the first girlfriend I had ever moved in with. Up until then I thought I had a normal amount of "urges" but how do you measure a sex drive when you don't spend all your time together? Anyway, a few years ago when it was becoming a problem (which I had ignored for a long time) I went to the doctors and found that my testosterone levels were very low. I was prescribed some tablets which brought my levels back up to normal however there was still no drive. Ultimately we never recovered.
Although we have separated Param and I are still friends. I know it still feels awkward occasionally for the both of us. I do still love her and want the best for her. I want her to be happy and I am glad that she is going out and doing all sorts of different things with her friends. I just wish that we hadn't got into this situation. I wish I could go back in time and punch the younger version of myself in the face and tell myself to sort myself out. But I can't, and that kills me.
I'm not looking for pity, or hugs or I don't know what. If I want to start 2011 with a move forward (and this has felt like a move forward) then I need to do this. My friend Ant wrote in a comment a few weeks ago that he stopped keeping a blog about his depression because he didn't want to upset people. So I'm going to finish this first post of 2011 with an apology.
Param, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain that you've had to go through. I'm sorry because I've let you down so many times. I can never make it up to you for all that has happened. I want you to know that I hope 2011 brings you the happiness you deserve. I'm still here for you, you only have to call.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Finding My Way
Despite the weather I am having a very productive day. I've had a nice lie in, had breakfast and for once I managed to get a load of figure painting done at home. This might not sound much but I see my miniature painting as a form of therapy, however I have found it really hard to get any motivation to do any at home. Today I've managed to push on and paint 5 ships for a fantasy Elven fleet for my dad, 4 more ships of a different fantasy race for myself are almost finished and i've just started to assemble a giant spider from Otherworld Miniatures which looks awesome.
I've listened to the Now Show, 7 Day Sunday and the Very World of Milton Jones on the radio, the new KT Tunstall album on CD and tonight I shall watch Dirk Gently and Wallander.
I've had a good day.
I've listened to the Now Show, 7 Day Sunday and the Very World of Milton Jones on the radio, the new KT Tunstall album on CD and tonight I shall watch Dirk Gently and Wallander.
I've had a good day.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Nodody's Hero
I don't know what happened yesterday.
I started back at work on Monday doing my regular full time hours and the day went fine. Yesterday however felt like a disaster. I woke up with feelings of insecurity and what could be best described as a fuzzy head. By 10.30am I'd had enough and booked the afternoon off as a half days annual leave.
I think the morning was made worse by two things. The first thing was a meeting about the cuts in library services which went on for an hour and consisted of basically being told that no-one really knows what is happening. That's guaranteed to make you feel better.
The other thing was everyone talking about Christmas like it was the happiest time of the year. Last weeks Christmas meal went badly as it seems like three of our party had some form of mild food poisoning, which added to the fact that I really didn't want to be there, added to the feelings of sheer despondency. I had to take Wednesday of work as I was vomiting and shitting all thorough Tuesday night. I spent the whole of the next day in bad, very unusual for me. By Thursday I was just fed of being ill all of the time.
I have decided not to bother with Christmas this year. I am going to my parents due to the fact of it being either I stay at home or go and stop with them. I can hardly say I'm looking forward to it but then what else do I do? I can't even drink because of the tablets I'm on. I have been completely dry for nearly six weeks now, which is something I am actually quite proud of. Every cloud they say...
I have also decided not to bother with cards and presents. I am just going to give a large sum of money to one or two charities. I really don't wan the stress and hassle of wandering the shops looking for a load of crap that people don't want and succumbing to the hell that is Christmas shopping. I am just not in the festive mood. All the tinsel, trees, merriment, happiness (most of it forced) is just doing my head in. If I could hide away somewhere until it is all over I would.
Bizarrely my day today just got better as one of my Happy Songs has just come on the radio. It always puts me in a much better frame of mind. Now I go to face the day.
I started back at work on Monday doing my regular full time hours and the day went fine. Yesterday however felt like a disaster. I woke up with feelings of insecurity and what could be best described as a fuzzy head. By 10.30am I'd had enough and booked the afternoon off as a half days annual leave.
I think the morning was made worse by two things. The first thing was a meeting about the cuts in library services which went on for an hour and consisted of basically being told that no-one really knows what is happening. That's guaranteed to make you feel better.
The other thing was everyone talking about Christmas like it was the happiest time of the year. Last weeks Christmas meal went badly as it seems like three of our party had some form of mild food poisoning, which added to the fact that I really didn't want to be there, added to the feelings of sheer despondency. I had to take Wednesday of work as I was vomiting and shitting all thorough Tuesday night. I spent the whole of the next day in bad, very unusual for me. By Thursday I was just fed of being ill all of the time.
I have decided not to bother with Christmas this year. I am going to my parents due to the fact of it being either I stay at home or go and stop with them. I can hardly say I'm looking forward to it but then what else do I do? I can't even drink because of the tablets I'm on. I have been completely dry for nearly six weeks now, which is something I am actually quite proud of. Every cloud they say...
I have also decided not to bother with cards and presents. I am just going to give a large sum of money to one or two charities. I really don't wan the stress and hassle of wandering the shops looking for a load of crap that people don't want and succumbing to the hell that is Christmas shopping. I am just not in the festive mood. All the tinsel, trees, merriment, happiness (most of it forced) is just doing my head in. If I could hide away somewhere until it is all over I would.
Bizarrely my day today just got better as one of my Happy Songs has just come on the radio. It always puts me in a much better frame of mind. Now I go to face the day.
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