Feeling really anxious this morning and I don't really know why. I have my office Christmas meal and I am not looking forward to it in any way shape or form. I can't seem to get excited by Christmas this year. I'm going to my parents but is it wrong of me to want to actually spend it on my own watching films? I am singularly lacking in motivation this week.
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Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Bravest Face
I was asked today if I'd given this journal up.
No!
I've actually been quite busy of sorts. Although the cold weather/ snow put a couple of things on hold, this week I have been ploughing my way through Under the Dome by Stephen King. It's a doorstep of a book but I'm really enjoying it. I've also been engaging in my regular therapy of painting my little manz and I'm steadily making progress on an Ancient Briton army.
I've still got an annoying cough that wont seem to go away and sometimes I'm coughing so much (particularly first thing in the morning) that my head feels like it is about to split open. Paracetamol is my friend here along with cough syrup (tasty!)
I've spent most evenings watching films - the Sword and the Sorceror, Salute of the Jugger and Sin City. Very relaxing even if one out of the three was awful and I know I will never get the time back.
Yesterday though for some reason I felt awful. I was coming home in the evening and just didn't want to be there. I've put it down largely to being cold and hungry (I was) which I sorted out when I got home, but I think part of me was lonely. When I was out the though of being on my own in the evening just seemed to gape before me like a giant black void. After I'd got home and eaten and settled down to watch Sin City, the feelings had passed but it was a reminder that there are bits in my head that still aren't working at 100%
Today was a family meal thrown by my parents to say thank you for all the help and support they had over the summer when they were both pretty unwell for one reason and another. If I'm honest, and I want to be here, I felt really anxious about the whole thing. Much as i love my family part of me really didn't want to be there. I wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere quiet where I could lose myself. I just didn't feel comfortable. The food and everything was really nice (Strada at the ICC in Birmingham) but felt like I never really engaged. I was in the room but not completely there.
I know my family read this and it might upset them to know this but one of the reasons for keeping this journal is so I can brutally honest with the way I'm feeling.
This is something I've given some thought to. Everyone wears a mask (sometimes more than one). When asked "How are you feeling?", most people reply "Great" or "Okay". However inside they are dying inside. They want to run away and hide and make the world go away. This is me most of the time at the moment.
Part of the reason for this journal is to help me be more open with stuff, not to hide away until it consumes me and I end up back in the lands of despair. I want to have a positive outlook on things. If people ask me how I'm feeling I will tell them the honest truth. I don't want to wear that mask any more.
If you had asked me when I started writing this post how I felt I would have said pretty low, but after typing all of the above I feel strangely upbeat. Writing is a therapy.
How do I feel?
I feel good.
No!
I've actually been quite busy of sorts. Although the cold weather/ snow put a couple of things on hold, this week I have been ploughing my way through Under the Dome by Stephen King. It's a doorstep of a book but I'm really enjoying it. I've also been engaging in my regular therapy of painting my little manz and I'm steadily making progress on an Ancient Briton army.
I've still got an annoying cough that wont seem to go away and sometimes I'm coughing so much (particularly first thing in the morning) that my head feels like it is about to split open. Paracetamol is my friend here along with cough syrup (tasty!)
I've spent most evenings watching films - the Sword and the Sorceror, Salute of the Jugger and Sin City. Very relaxing even if one out of the three was awful and I know I will never get the time back.
Yesterday though for some reason I felt awful. I was coming home in the evening and just didn't want to be there. I've put it down largely to being cold and hungry (I was) which I sorted out when I got home, but I think part of me was lonely. When I was out the though of being on my own in the evening just seemed to gape before me like a giant black void. After I'd got home and eaten and settled down to watch Sin City, the feelings had passed but it was a reminder that there are bits in my head that still aren't working at 100%
Today was a family meal thrown by my parents to say thank you for all the help and support they had over the summer when they were both pretty unwell for one reason and another. If I'm honest, and I want to be here, I felt really anxious about the whole thing. Much as i love my family part of me really didn't want to be there. I wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere quiet where I could lose myself. I just didn't feel comfortable. The food and everything was really nice (Strada at the ICC in Birmingham) but felt like I never really engaged. I was in the room but not completely there.
I know my family read this and it might upset them to know this but one of the reasons for keeping this journal is so I can brutally honest with the way I'm feeling.
This is something I've given some thought to. Everyone wears a mask (sometimes more than one). When asked "How are you feeling?", most people reply "Great" or "Okay". However inside they are dying inside. They want to run away and hide and make the world go away. This is me most of the time at the moment.
Part of the reason for this journal is to help me be more open with stuff, not to hide away until it consumes me and I end up back in the lands of despair. I want to have a positive outlook on things. If people ask me how I'm feeling I will tell them the honest truth. I don't want to wear that mask any more.
If you had asked me when I started writing this post how I felt I would have said pretty low, but after typing all of the above I feel strangely upbeat. Writing is a therapy.
How do I feel?
I feel good.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Neurotica
This morning I can't decide if I feel crap because of this cold or because of everything else.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Cold Fire
I have a stinking cold. I had it two weeks ago and I thought I'd got rid of it, but no it came back with a vengence. The cough is sitting in my chest and because of the really cold weather (including snow today) my chest is wheezing away like the penguin in Toy Story. It now means in addition to anti-depressants and antacid I am also now taking cough medicine and cold and flu tablets. The latter are because they contain paracetamol which helps with the splitting headache caused from coughing too much. This evening I feel like I am just falling apart.
Its been quite a few days since I wrote anything down. Its not that I've had nothing to write about, it's just that I've actually been quite busy. I've not been out or anything, I've just been doing things to occupy my time. Of the top of my head right now, I cant think what I've done but I know I enjoyed and have felt good about it. Stoopid memory failure!
I am currently cat sitting for my folks as they swan about Paris. It's theraputic for me as the cat, Cleo, is a lovely little thing and has spent most of the last three hours curled up next to me on the sofa while I watched Thorne. She is currently sitting on the landing looking disgruntled with my choice of music. I don't think she is a fan of classic rock.
My second week at work has gone okay and next week I am increasing the number of hours I do from 20 to 25. This week felt a lot easier. I haven't felt so tired and I've been walking to and from work a lot more. The cold snap at the end of the week didn't help as it made breathing harder, today being the worst it has felt. It's been nice to be back at work to get some routine going again but I've also managed to get some serious painting done this week. I've now finished four chariots for the Ancient British army I am currently painting. I find painting very relaxing and it has always been a way of relaxing for me for many years. I actually feel that I am producing some of the best stuff I have ever done. People who come into the shop where most of the good stuff is on display are saying how good it looks which does wonders for my confidence.
Breaking news: the cat has just sat on my lap. I think she is a fan of Nine Inch Nails as that is what is currently on Planet Rock. She has got taste after all!
I think I'm done for the evening.
Its been quite a few days since I wrote anything down. Its not that I've had nothing to write about, it's just that I've actually been quite busy. I've not been out or anything, I've just been doing things to occupy my time. Of the top of my head right now, I cant think what I've done but I know I enjoyed and have felt good about it. Stoopid memory failure!
I am currently cat sitting for my folks as they swan about Paris. It's theraputic for me as the cat, Cleo, is a lovely little thing and has spent most of the last three hours curled up next to me on the sofa while I watched Thorne. She is currently sitting on the landing looking disgruntled with my choice of music. I don't think she is a fan of classic rock.
My second week at work has gone okay and next week I am increasing the number of hours I do from 20 to 25. This week felt a lot easier. I haven't felt so tired and I've been walking to and from work a lot more. The cold snap at the end of the week didn't help as it made breathing harder, today being the worst it has felt. It's been nice to be back at work to get some routine going again but I've also managed to get some serious painting done this week. I've now finished four chariots for the Ancient British army I am currently painting. I find painting very relaxing and it has always been a way of relaxing for me for many years. I actually feel that I am producing some of the best stuff I have ever done. People who come into the shop where most of the good stuff is on display are saying how good it looks which does wonders for my confidence.
Breaking news: the cat has just sat on my lap. I think she is a fan of Nine Inch Nails as that is what is currently on Planet Rock. She has got taste after all!
I think I'm done for the evening.
Monday, November 22, 2010
An Exercise in Self Indulgence
Today has been good. I haven't had the shakes today which I've felt pretty pleased with. I don't know what caused them - anxiety, the medication or caffeine. I didn't feel anxious, I'm still taking my medication and my caffeine intact has been reduced drastically. Herbal teas are your friend!
I've also had a day of whirlwind socialising. I met a friend for lunch, had an unexpected meeting with another friend and went for coffee and after that met a third friend for a quick beer before they caught a train. When I say beer I mean Becks Blue. I got really fed up of drinking lemonade in the pub. I like the taste of beer, not the getting drunk. Then i remembered non-alcoholic stuff. Becks Blue isn't too bad once you get used to it. It certainly makes being tee total a damn sight easier!
Tonight I am just going to take it easy and try and polish of another 100 pages or so of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, which I am really enjoying.
Things feel good in my head. I just that at some point I'm going to come down. There is this feeling of inevitability that eventually the black fog will come back. Its like my head gets wrapped up in the cotton wool of misery and I lose interest in everything. I notice this with my figure painting. If I am in a good place I can paint for hours, however if things are not so rosy I really struggle to do one figure. Then there are the times when I really don't want to leave the house, when its an effort to actually get up. Going back to work has helped here. It's given me a reason to get up. I'm not one for normally lying in bed until 12.00pm but the last time I was off work I was finding that I was staying in bed longer and longer. I may have made a cup of tea and just been reading but I was still staying in bed. That is not like me. I am very much a morning person.
Hmm...this post kind of went off in a direction I wasn't expecting. It does feel quite therapeutic writing this sort of stuff down. As I said to somebody today writing down the crap that's in my head onto paper (of a sort) kind of gets rid of it. It also gives me cause to reflect on the day just gone or assess the day about to occur.
Anyway, this Steig Larsson book wont read itself!
I've also had a day of whirlwind socialising. I met a friend for lunch, had an unexpected meeting with another friend and went for coffee and after that met a third friend for a quick beer before they caught a train. When I say beer I mean Becks Blue. I got really fed up of drinking lemonade in the pub. I like the taste of beer, not the getting drunk. Then i remembered non-alcoholic stuff. Becks Blue isn't too bad once you get used to it. It certainly makes being tee total a damn sight easier!
Tonight I am just going to take it easy and try and polish of another 100 pages or so of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, which I am really enjoying.
Things feel good in my head. I just that at some point I'm going to come down. There is this feeling of inevitability that eventually the black fog will come back. Its like my head gets wrapped up in the cotton wool of misery and I lose interest in everything. I notice this with my figure painting. If I am in a good place I can paint for hours, however if things are not so rosy I really struggle to do one figure. Then there are the times when I really don't want to leave the house, when its an effort to actually get up. Going back to work has helped here. It's given me a reason to get up. I'm not one for normally lying in bed until 12.00pm but the last time I was off work I was finding that I was staying in bed longer and longer. I may have made a cup of tea and just been reading but I was still staying in bed. That is not like me. I am very much a morning person.
Hmm...this post kind of went off in a direction I wasn't expecting. It does feel quite therapeutic writing this sort of stuff down. As I said to somebody today writing down the crap that's in my head onto paper (of a sort) kind of gets rid of it. It also gives me cause to reflect on the day just gone or assess the day about to occur.
Anyway, this Steig Larsson book wont read itself!
I Don't Like Mondays
I have a headache the size of the sun. I think I've had too much sleep, probably the result of having a siesta yesterday afternoon.
Yesterday was okay. I accomplished a grand total of nothing. I watched stuff on iPlayer, 4OD and Star Fleet on DVD. The evening took a turn for the worse though as I managed to upset a friend. It wasn't intentional but I just felt like i was suddenly standing at the top of a very long slope and the only way was down.
A long bath, herbal teas and a good book helped. Still feel low which might explain the headache. I'm going to have my tablets and head of to work.
My friend and I fine because they are brilliant and very understanding.
Yesterday was okay. I accomplished a grand total of nothing. I watched stuff on iPlayer, 4OD and Star Fleet on DVD. The evening took a turn for the worse though as I managed to upset a friend. It wasn't intentional but I just felt like i was suddenly standing at the top of a very long slope and the only way was down.
A long bath, herbal teas and a good book helped. Still feel low which might explain the headache. I'm going to have my tablets and head of to work.
My friend and I fine because they are brilliant and very understanding.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday Night, Sunday Morning
Last night I had a good nights sleep. Unfortunately most of it was spent on the sofa as I feel asleep while watching something on the iPlayer and woke up at 3.30am. I went to bed and managed to get back to sleep. I was then late getting up but that is another story...
Tonight will be nice and relaxing. There is a pizza in the oven, I've got many flavours of herbal tea and the box set of Star Fleet to watch.
Tomorrow will be a day of relaxing as I am hoping to get some more painting done on the Ancient British DBA army I am working on.
The last couple of days I have felt pretty good inside. Yesterday I felt tired but happy. After a good night sleep I felt much refreshed. I don't feel as tired today but I still feel happy. I've had these happy feelings for several days now and the worrying thing is that at some point I know I am going to crash and probably crash hard. That's something I am not looking forward to in anyway. Fortunately for the next week at work I am doing the same hours as the week just gone. I've got plans for Tuesday and possibly for Friday so at least I have something to look forward to.
Tonight will be nice and relaxing. There is a pizza in the oven, I've got many flavours of herbal tea and the box set of Star Fleet to watch.
Tomorrow will be a day of relaxing as I am hoping to get some more painting done on the Ancient British DBA army I am working on.
The last couple of days I have felt pretty good inside. Yesterday I felt tired but happy. After a good night sleep I felt much refreshed. I don't feel as tired today but I still feel happy. I've had these happy feelings for several days now and the worrying thing is that at some point I know I am going to crash and probably crash hard. That's something I am not looking forward to in anyway. Fortunately for the next week at work I am doing the same hours as the week just gone. I've got plans for Tuesday and possibly for Friday so at least I have something to look forward to.
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