Today I felt like Atrocitus.
Who is Atrocitus?
He is leader of the Red Lantern Corps. In the emotional spectrum red is the colour of rage.
It seemed today that everyone in my office was moaning in one form or another about how rubbish their Christmas or New Year was. I couldn't shut it out. I really wanted everyone to shut up and I could feel the rage boiling up inside of me. I walked away for ten minutes. One person, and it was completely innocent, described it as depressing. I, possibly quite harshly, replied "Try living like that everyday". That kind of killed the conversation off. It moved quickly onto Coronation Street.
I get angry. Everyone gets angry. I have a really short fuse though. I can be fine but the smallest thing can eventually cause me to blow. I hate myself for it. I see it in my dad as well. It really frustrates me. I wouldn't describe myself as having anger management issues, far from it. It's just a part of myself I don't like.
Today I just wanted to rage against the world. I came home with the intention of just relaxing and doing some painting. I can't be bothered to pick the brush up. I've achieved nothing tonight. It feels a waste.
Something I have found surprising though is all the comments and emails I received about my previous entry. Many described my honesty as being brave. I didn't even think about it in those terms. The thing about my sex drive is obviously very personal and in the past I've told very, very few people about (I think it could be counted on one hand and didn't include my own family). I thought it was a private issue and I didn't want to discuss it with anyone, a case of ignoring it and it will go away. Ha!
I am finding that talking about things doesn't make them go away but by sharing similar experiences with people the shit stuff becomes easier to handle. Maybe only in a small way, but the simple case of realising that you are not alone is, I would like to think, a big step.
I do know that I've never been alone. I have really good friends who I know are then when I have needed them in the past. I have a family who cares bout me. And Param is there, even after everything we're going through, as someone I know I can turn to. However knowing they are there and talking to them are two different things.
I find it very hard to talk about personal stuff in a face to face situation. I stammer, I clam up, I get confused and lose my train of thought. And those are just some of the reasons why I write this journal. I know I am certainly not the world greatest wordsmith but the simple fact of writing this stuff down in a way which means I have to think about it, enables the people who read this journal to gain a better insight of me.
And once again the simple act of writing this shit down has helped immensely. I now feel relaxed enough to get my book, read for a bit and then retire.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Cut To The Chase
They start the year as you mean to go on.
2011 started with me having a good cry over at my friends in Lichfield. The last two days have been spent trying to unwind by playing computer games and reading and listening to music. I can probably manage about an hour before my concentration drifts. I've lost my painting mojo. I feel insecure and wish I knew where 2011 was going to go as so far I seem to have spent a lot of it confused, crying and unable to sleep without having some weird ass dreams.
Today has been another first for the new year as I had small panic attack which ultimately built up into a large amount of frustration with no way of releasing it other than writing this.
2010 ended with my seeming to finally get over the cold and cough I have had for weeks now. The trouble I have now is that every time I cough I get a gag reflex and at least 25% of the time this involves me being sick. I've had it for years and know it is made worse by stress. Knowing what causes it doesn't make it feel any better when you are crouched over the porcelain bus bringing you evening meal back up and the veins in your head feel like they are about to explode. The stomach tablets I was on a couple of months ago did seem to help clear it up as well as reduce the acid indigestion so come Tuesday I will be paying a visit to the doctor to hopefully get some more. I've had enough.
What will 2011 bring? Well it can't be much worse that 2010. Both my parents were really ill and spent time in hospital within a month of each other. Shortly after that my aunt died.
Worse of all however was that my marriage ended. My family have never been good at expressing emotion and even it now feels very hard but I feel that I need to at least start writing about it.
It had been coming for a long time but we both agree at the end it felt like we were just two people who were living together, like good friends. Unfortunately this is all my fault. My priorities were elsewhere. I don't look to the future or plan anything. I never have really and it is a failing. We never really did anything together and we just drifted apart. We never really argued about stuff.
Another thing that didn't help, and I have spoken to very few people about this, is that our sex life disappeared. Again this was my fault. I've never had a high sex drive and Param was the first girlfriend I had ever moved in with. Up until then I thought I had a normal amount of "urges" but how do you measure a sex drive when you don't spend all your time together? Anyway, a few years ago when it was becoming a problem (which I had ignored for a long time) I went to the doctors and found that my testosterone levels were very low. I was prescribed some tablets which brought my levels back up to normal however there was still no drive. Ultimately we never recovered.
Although we have separated Param and I are still friends. I know it still feels awkward occasionally for the both of us. I do still love her and want the best for her. I want her to be happy and I am glad that she is going out and doing all sorts of different things with her friends. I just wish that we hadn't got into this situation. I wish I could go back in time and punch the younger version of myself in the face and tell myself to sort myself out. But I can't, and that kills me.
I'm not looking for pity, or hugs or I don't know what. If I want to start 2011 with a move forward (and this has felt like a move forward) then I need to do this. My friend Ant wrote in a comment a few weeks ago that he stopped keeping a blog about his depression because he didn't want to upset people. So I'm going to finish this first post of 2011 with an apology.
Param, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain that you've had to go through. I'm sorry because I've let you down so many times. I can never make it up to you for all that has happened. I want you to know that I hope 2011 brings you the happiness you deserve. I'm still here for you, you only have to call.
2011 started with me having a good cry over at my friends in Lichfield. The last two days have been spent trying to unwind by playing computer games and reading and listening to music. I can probably manage about an hour before my concentration drifts. I've lost my painting mojo. I feel insecure and wish I knew where 2011 was going to go as so far I seem to have spent a lot of it confused, crying and unable to sleep without having some weird ass dreams.
Today has been another first for the new year as I had small panic attack which ultimately built up into a large amount of frustration with no way of releasing it other than writing this.
2010 ended with my seeming to finally get over the cold and cough I have had for weeks now. The trouble I have now is that every time I cough I get a gag reflex and at least 25% of the time this involves me being sick. I've had it for years and know it is made worse by stress. Knowing what causes it doesn't make it feel any better when you are crouched over the porcelain bus bringing you evening meal back up and the veins in your head feel like they are about to explode. The stomach tablets I was on a couple of months ago did seem to help clear it up as well as reduce the acid indigestion so come Tuesday I will be paying a visit to the doctor to hopefully get some more. I've had enough.
What will 2011 bring? Well it can't be much worse that 2010. Both my parents were really ill and spent time in hospital within a month of each other. Shortly after that my aunt died.
Worse of all however was that my marriage ended. My family have never been good at expressing emotion and even it now feels very hard but I feel that I need to at least start writing about it.
It had been coming for a long time but we both agree at the end it felt like we were just two people who were living together, like good friends. Unfortunately this is all my fault. My priorities were elsewhere. I don't look to the future or plan anything. I never have really and it is a failing. We never really did anything together and we just drifted apart. We never really argued about stuff.
Another thing that didn't help, and I have spoken to very few people about this, is that our sex life disappeared. Again this was my fault. I've never had a high sex drive and Param was the first girlfriend I had ever moved in with. Up until then I thought I had a normal amount of "urges" but how do you measure a sex drive when you don't spend all your time together? Anyway, a few years ago when it was becoming a problem (which I had ignored for a long time) I went to the doctors and found that my testosterone levels were very low. I was prescribed some tablets which brought my levels back up to normal however there was still no drive. Ultimately we never recovered.
Although we have separated Param and I are still friends. I know it still feels awkward occasionally for the both of us. I do still love her and want the best for her. I want her to be happy and I am glad that she is going out and doing all sorts of different things with her friends. I just wish that we hadn't got into this situation. I wish I could go back in time and punch the younger version of myself in the face and tell myself to sort myself out. But I can't, and that kills me.
I'm not looking for pity, or hugs or I don't know what. If I want to start 2011 with a move forward (and this has felt like a move forward) then I need to do this. My friend Ant wrote in a comment a few weeks ago that he stopped keeping a blog about his depression because he didn't want to upset people. So I'm going to finish this first post of 2011 with an apology.
Param, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the hurt and pain that you've had to go through. I'm sorry because I've let you down so many times. I can never make it up to you for all that has happened. I want you to know that I hope 2011 brings you the happiness you deserve. I'm still here for you, you only have to call.
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