Red Sector A

Today I felt like Atrocitus.

Who is Atrocitus?

He is leader of the Red Lantern Corps. In the emotional spectrum red is the colour of rage.

It seemed today that everyone in my office was moaning in one form or another about how rubbish their Christmas or New Year was. I couldn't shut it out. I really wanted everyone to shut up and I could feel the rage boiling up inside of me. I walked away for ten minutes. One person, and it was completely innocent, described it as depressing. I, possibly quite harshly, replied "Try living like that everyday". That kind of killed the conversation off. It moved quickly onto Coronation Street.

I get angry. Everyone gets angry. I have a really short fuse though. I can be fine but the smallest thing can eventually cause me to blow. I hate myself for it. I see it in my dad as well. It really frustrates me. I wouldn't describe myself as having anger management issues, far from it. It's just a part of myself I don't like.

Today I just wanted to rage against the world. I came home with the intention of just relaxing and doing some painting. I can't be bothered to pick the brush up. I've achieved nothing tonight. It feels a waste.

Something I have found surprising though is all the comments and emails I received about my previous entry. Many described my honesty as being brave. I didn't even think about it in those terms. The thing about my sex drive is obviously very personal and in the past I've told very, very few people about (I think it could be counted on one hand and didn't include my own family). I thought it was a private issue and I didn't want to discuss it with anyone, a case of ignoring it and it will go away. Ha!

I am finding that talking about things doesn't make them go away but by sharing similar experiences with people the shit stuff becomes easier to handle. Maybe only in a small way, but the simple case of realising that you are not alone is, I would like to think, a big step.

I do know that I've never been alone. I have really good friends who I know are then when I have needed them in the past. I have a family who cares bout me. And Param is there, even after everything we're going through, as someone I know I can turn to. However knowing they are there and talking to them are two different things.

I find it very hard to talk about personal stuff in a face to face situation. I stammer, I clam up, I get confused and lose my train of thought. And those are just some of the reasons why I write this journal. I know I am certainly not the world greatest wordsmith but the simple fact of writing this stuff down in a way which means I have to think about it, enables the people who read this journal to gain a better insight of me.

And once again the simple act of writing this shit down has helped immensely. I now feel relaxed enough to get my book, read for a bit and then retire.