At The Door

I can feel The Dog is scratching at the door. Haven't felt this bad since January.

I thought things were starting to back on track for the last couple of months. Work was moving in the right direction and so was I. I've started this week counseling which is a good thing and felt the first session went really well. I came out feeling positive but a few hours later The Dog was nipping at my heels again.

It's had been lurking for a few days which I've put down to work issues - a lot of people are leaving through voluntary redundancy and the will be compulsory redundancies announced very soon. My own work has been going fine since I started doing less jobs in my office and being more focused on the ones I am left with. I am starting to feel happier with my own job and able to keep on top of things.
On Thursday lunchtime I met a friend for a cup of tea. They could see things weren't okay and that I was feeling frustrated and angry and worked up about things but I couldn't really explain how I am feeling largely because I was in too public a place and the best way I can put it is wanting to shout at the sky in anger. Another friend of mine describes these moments as like "howling at the moon."
Yesterday at work was dreadful. I felt so miserable, and morale is so low. 3.00pm couldn't come quick enough. I met my sister and nephew for a cup of tea and we went shopping which took my mind of stuff. We met my brother-in-law in the evening and had a really nice Chinese meal. Got home and felt like utter wank again though.
This morning I got up early, had a decaf coffee and then went back to bed again. I was supposed to be running a demo game today but couldn't face it. Spent the day doing distracting tasks and feeling irritable. I think some of my friends noticed how irked I was.
This evening I got a text inviting me for a drink at the local. Normally I would have gone. I just feel so insular and withdrawn though. This is one of the things I've got to discuss with my counselor. I don't see a lot of my friends these days. I'm feel happier to hide away with the curtains closed.

I'm supposed to be going to a barbecue tomorrow afternoon but the way I'm feeling at this evening, which has already included a walk to Tesco at 9.00pm just for some fresh air, i just don't want to go. On the plus side I am going to try and make the effort to cut the grass tomorrow morning. The antihistamines are at the ready mind.

I need to watch something distracting but can't decide what. I've also noticed over the last couple of weeks my attention span is getting smaller and I'm losing interest in things again. I sometimes get flurries of ideas and of things to do and within 30 seconds they can be gone and I can't remember what I was supposed to be doing.

I think tonight could be a long night.