Neurotica

This morning I can't decide if I feel crap because of this cold or because of everything else.

Cold Fire

I have a stinking cold. I had it two weeks ago and I thought I'd got rid of it, but no it came back with a vengence. The cough is sitting in my chest and because of the really cold weather (including snow today) my chest is wheezing away like the penguin in Toy Story. It now means in addition to anti-depressants and antacid I am also now taking cough medicine and cold and flu tablets. The latter are because they contain paracetamol which helps with the splitting headache caused from coughing too much. This evening I feel like I am just falling apart.

Its been quite a few days since I wrote anything down. Its not that I've had nothing to write about, it's just that I've actually been quite busy. I've not been out or anything, I've just been doing things to occupy my time. Of the top of my head right now, I cant think what I've done but I know I enjoyed and have felt good about it. Stoopid memory failure!

I am currently cat sitting for my folks as they swan about Paris. It's theraputic for me as the cat, Cleo, is a lovely little thing and has spent most of the last three hours curled up next to me on the sofa while I watched Thorne. She is currently sitting on the landing looking disgruntled with my choice of music. I don't think she is a fan of classic rock.

My second week at work has gone okay and next week I am increasing the number of hours I do from 20 to 25. This week felt a lot easier. I haven't felt so tired and I've been walking to and from work a lot more. The cold snap at the end of the week didn't help as it made breathing harder, today being the worst it has felt. It's been nice to be back at work to get some routine going again but I've also managed to get some serious painting done this week. I've now finished four chariots for the Ancient British army I am currently painting. I find painting very relaxing and it has always been a way of relaxing for me for many years. I actually feel that I am producing some of the best stuff I have ever done. People who come into the shop where most of the good stuff is on display are saying how good it looks which does wonders for my confidence.

Breaking news: the cat has just sat on my lap. I think she is a fan of Nine Inch Nails as that is what is currently on Planet Rock. She has got taste after all!

I think I'm done for the evening.

An Exercise in Self Indulgence

Today has been good. I haven't had the shakes today which I've felt pretty pleased with. I don't know what caused them - anxiety, the medication or caffeine. I didn't feel anxious, I'm still taking my medication and my caffeine intact has been reduced drastically. Herbal teas are your friend!

I've also had a day of whirlwind socialising. I met a friend for lunch, had an unexpected meeting with another friend and went for coffee and after that met a third friend for a quick beer before they caught a train. When I say beer I mean Becks Blue. I got really fed up of drinking lemonade in the pub. I like the taste of beer, not the getting drunk. Then i remembered non-alcoholic stuff. Becks Blue isn't too bad once you get used to it. It certainly makes being tee total a damn sight easier!

Tonight I am just going to take it easy and try and polish of another 100 pages or so of The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, which I am really enjoying.

Things feel good in my head. I just that at some point I'm going to come down. There is this feeling of inevitability that eventually the black fog will come back. Its like my head gets wrapped up in the cotton wool of misery and I lose interest in everything. I notice this with my figure painting. If I am in a good place I can paint for hours, however if things are not so rosy I really struggle to do one figure. Then there are the times when I really don't want to leave the house, when its an effort to actually get up. Going back to work has helped here. It's given me a reason to get up. I'm not one for normally lying in bed until 12.00pm but the last time I was off work I was finding that I was staying in bed longer and longer. I may have made a cup of tea and just been reading but I was still staying in bed. That is not like me. I am very much a morning person.

Hmm...this post kind of went off in a direction I wasn't expecting. It does feel quite therapeutic writing this sort of stuff down. As I said to somebody today writing down the crap that's in my head onto paper (of a sort) kind of gets rid of it. It also gives me cause to reflect on the day just gone or assess the day about to occur.

Anyway, this Steig Larsson book wont read itself!

I Don't Like Mondays

I have a headache the size of the sun. I think I've had too much sleep, probably the result of having a siesta yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday was okay. I accomplished a grand total of nothing. I watched stuff on iPlayer, 4OD and Star Fleet on DVD. The evening took a turn for the worse though as I managed to upset a friend. It wasn't intentional but I just felt like i was suddenly standing at the top of a very long slope and the only way was down.

A long bath, herbal teas and a good book helped. Still feel low which might explain the headache. I'm going to have my tablets and head of to work.

My friend and I fine because they are brilliant and very understanding.

Saturday Night, Sunday Morning

Last night I had a good nights sleep. Unfortunately most of it was spent on the sofa as I feel asleep while watching something on the iPlayer and woke up at 3.30am. I went to bed and managed to get back to sleep. I was then late getting up but that is another story...

Tonight will be nice and relaxing. There is a pizza in the oven, I've got many flavours of herbal tea and the box set of Star Fleet to watch.

Tomorrow will be a day of relaxing as I am hoping to get some more painting done on the Ancient British DBA army I am working on.

The last couple of days I have felt pretty good inside. Yesterday I felt tired but happy. After a good night sleep I felt much refreshed. I don't feel as tired today but I still feel happy. I've had these happy feelings for several days now and the worrying thing is that at some point I know I am going to crash and probably crash hard. That's something I am not looking forward to in anyway. Fortunately for the next week at work I am doing the same hours as the week just gone. I've got plans for Tuesday and possibly for Friday so at least I have something to look forward to.

Bollocks

2.00am - Why do I keep waking up at this fucking time every night? It doesn't seem to matter what time I go to bed. Every bloody night I will wake up at the same time.

Really pissing me off.

I am going to carry on reading the Girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest until I can go back to sleep.
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Nothing to See, Move Along

Didn't post anything yesterday as I didn't really have anything to say. Work was fine, although I find after a couple of hours I start shaking a little bit. Might just be nerves or anxiety. Probably the latter but it's manageable. I find a cup of coffee and a couple of digestive biscuits sort it out.

Spent the afternoon painting some spaceships. Very good therapy.

I did wake up at 2.30 this morning but after reading for a little bit I was able to go back to sleep. Sort of. I know I dozed until the alarm went of at 6.00am but do feel quite tired. I'll be fine once I get going though.

Something else I did yesterday was I got a book out of the library about depression. Overcoming Depression for Dummies. I don't normally go for hippy-type healing crystal stuff, self-help books and such like but I just thought it might finally be the time to do some reading about depression. You never know I might even learn something.

Well I'm off to work for day 3.

All Will Be Well

Work went well today. Felt a bit wobbly a couple of times but after several deeps breaths and the odd digestive biscuit I got through my first day. I have something I can build on for tomorrow.

Also had visited my GP today and she is going to sort out some counseling for me. So something else of a positive nature.

I think that's all to be honest!

Sunday Night

I am returning to work. Rather than dive back into the busy office environment that is the Library service I am undertaking a phased return to work. I start tomorrow at 8.00am and finish at 12.00pm, and will do this for the first week. The following week I'll start to increase the number of hours I do until after about four weeks I will be back up 36 and a half hours.

I'm glad I can do this as I really wasn't looking forward to the full day. I'm tired enough as it is, a combination of the medication and lack of sleep. Hopefully I'll be so tired tomorrow evening I'll sleep straight through the night. Here's hoping!

Something I wanted to post today was the medication I am on. My current prescription is 40mg of Citalopram (anti-depressants) and 30mg Lansoprazole which is an anti-acid to combat the heart burn and upset stomach which I suffer from due to stress.

I'm feeling positive about tomorrow. Just wondering how many emails I will be returning to.

Ups and Downs

Up until about five minutes ago today was a good day. I've painted some figures, had a laugh with some good friends and had a really nice slice of lasagne with my parents. All this was building on the good news of yesterday of going back to work on Monday.

And yet five minutes ago I had a bit of a wobble and felt dreadful all of a sudden. Maybe I'm just tired and a bit of a read and an early night might be needed. Tomorrow is another day after all.
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To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

A dreadful nights sleep. One of the things I have found is that I rarely get more than four hours sleep in one go. So last night, night after going to bed at around midnight I was awake again by 4.00am. Nothing unusual these days. I just read my book. Buried by Mark Billingham which I have now finished. At some point I managed to doze of back to sleep and that's what I did until about 9.30 am. Just dozing here and there.

The trouble is when I realised what time it was, I phoned my GP and all the appointments for today have gone. I'll have to try on Monday now. At least I'll be awake as I am going back to work. I am popping into the office today for to sort out a phased return.

A New Start

This week has been very strange. From feeling utterly rubbish at the start, this evening I am feeling quite upbeat and positive, particularly as I feel today was productive.

After going public on Facebook on Tuesday I received loads of comments and emails of support from friends all over the place which felt really encouraging. It gave me a nice warm feeling inside. I knew people would be supportive but was genuinely overwhelmed by the responses and the people who replied.

Today I had to visit the Occupational Health Department as I have had quite a lot of time off work this year and the number of absences automatically triggered a visit. After being unsure of what to expect, a couple of supportive messages set my mind at ease and the visit felt really productive. I am hoping to return to work on Monday morning with a phased return to work - basically I wont be working a full day for the first couple of weeks so I don't get overwhelmed by the work load.

I am making an appointment tomorrow to see my GP about arranging some counselling sessions. I have always found talking about emotional stuff difficult but I know the more I talk about my depression the easier it gets.

I don't know really what else to put in this first post. I think I am clearing my head out of what has happened today rather than go into detail about the causes and reasons for my depression.

I hope that makes sense.

The title of this blog comes from the name that Winston Churchill had for his depression. It is also the name of an awesome Led Zeppelin song.