Despite the weather I am having a very productive day. I've had a nice lie in, had breakfast and for once I managed to get a load of figure painting done at home. This might not sound much but I see my miniature painting as a form of therapy, however I have found it really hard to get any motivation to do any at home. Today I've managed to push on and paint 5 ships for a fantasy Elven fleet for my dad, 4 more ships of a different fantasy race for myself are almost finished and i've just started to assemble a giant spider from Otherworld Miniatures which looks awesome.
I've listened to the Now Show, 7 Day Sunday and the Very World of Milton Jones on the radio, the new KT Tunstall album on CD and tonight I shall watch Dirk Gently and Wallander.
I've had a good day.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Nodody's Hero
I don't know what happened yesterday.
I started back at work on Monday doing my regular full time hours and the day went fine. Yesterday however felt like a disaster. I woke up with feelings of insecurity and what could be best described as a fuzzy head. By 10.30am I'd had enough and booked the afternoon off as a half days annual leave.
I think the morning was made worse by two things. The first thing was a meeting about the cuts in library services which went on for an hour and consisted of basically being told that no-one really knows what is happening. That's guaranteed to make you feel better.
The other thing was everyone talking about Christmas like it was the happiest time of the year. Last weeks Christmas meal went badly as it seems like three of our party had some form of mild food poisoning, which added to the fact that I really didn't want to be there, added to the feelings of sheer despondency. I had to take Wednesday of work as I was vomiting and shitting all thorough Tuesday night. I spent the whole of the next day in bad, very unusual for me. By Thursday I was just fed of being ill all of the time.
I have decided not to bother with Christmas this year. I am going to my parents due to the fact of it being either I stay at home or go and stop with them. I can hardly say I'm looking forward to it but then what else do I do? I can't even drink because of the tablets I'm on. I have been completely dry for nearly six weeks now, which is something I am actually quite proud of. Every cloud they say...
I have also decided not to bother with cards and presents. I am just going to give a large sum of money to one or two charities. I really don't wan the stress and hassle of wandering the shops looking for a load of crap that people don't want and succumbing to the hell that is Christmas shopping. I am just not in the festive mood. All the tinsel, trees, merriment, happiness (most of it forced) is just doing my head in. If I could hide away somewhere until it is all over I would.
Bizarrely my day today just got better as one of my Happy Songs has just come on the radio. It always puts me in a much better frame of mind. Now I go to face the day.
I started back at work on Monday doing my regular full time hours and the day went fine. Yesterday however felt like a disaster. I woke up with feelings of insecurity and what could be best described as a fuzzy head. By 10.30am I'd had enough and booked the afternoon off as a half days annual leave.
I think the morning was made worse by two things. The first thing was a meeting about the cuts in library services which went on for an hour and consisted of basically being told that no-one really knows what is happening. That's guaranteed to make you feel better.
The other thing was everyone talking about Christmas like it was the happiest time of the year. Last weeks Christmas meal went badly as it seems like three of our party had some form of mild food poisoning, which added to the fact that I really didn't want to be there, added to the feelings of sheer despondency. I had to take Wednesday of work as I was vomiting and shitting all thorough Tuesday night. I spent the whole of the next day in bad, very unusual for me. By Thursday I was just fed of being ill all of the time.
I have decided not to bother with Christmas this year. I am going to my parents due to the fact of it being either I stay at home or go and stop with them. I can hardly say I'm looking forward to it but then what else do I do? I can't even drink because of the tablets I'm on. I have been completely dry for nearly six weeks now, which is something I am actually quite proud of. Every cloud they say...
I have also decided not to bother with cards and presents. I am just going to give a large sum of money to one or two charities. I really don't wan the stress and hassle of wandering the shops looking for a load of crap that people don't want and succumbing to the hell that is Christmas shopping. I am just not in the festive mood. All the tinsel, trees, merriment, happiness (most of it forced) is just doing my head in. If I could hide away somewhere until it is all over I would.
Bizarrely my day today just got better as one of my Happy Songs has just come on the radio. It always puts me in a much better frame of mind. Now I go to face the day.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Where's My Thing?
Feeling really anxious this morning and I don't really know why. I have my office Christmas meal and I am not looking forward to it in any way shape or form. I can't seem to get excited by Christmas this year. I'm going to my parents but is it wrong of me to want to actually spend it on my own watching films? I am singularly lacking in motivation this week.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Bravest Face
I was asked today if I'd given this journal up.
No!
I've actually been quite busy of sorts. Although the cold weather/ snow put a couple of things on hold, this week I have been ploughing my way through Under the Dome by Stephen King. It's a doorstep of a book but I'm really enjoying it. I've also been engaging in my regular therapy of painting my little manz and I'm steadily making progress on an Ancient Briton army.
I've still got an annoying cough that wont seem to go away and sometimes I'm coughing so much (particularly first thing in the morning) that my head feels like it is about to split open. Paracetamol is my friend here along with cough syrup (tasty!)
I've spent most evenings watching films - the Sword and the Sorceror, Salute of the Jugger and Sin City. Very relaxing even if one out of the three was awful and I know I will never get the time back.
Yesterday though for some reason I felt awful. I was coming home in the evening and just didn't want to be there. I've put it down largely to being cold and hungry (I was) which I sorted out when I got home, but I think part of me was lonely. When I was out the though of being on my own in the evening just seemed to gape before me like a giant black void. After I'd got home and eaten and settled down to watch Sin City, the feelings had passed but it was a reminder that there are bits in my head that still aren't working at 100%
Today was a family meal thrown by my parents to say thank you for all the help and support they had over the summer when they were both pretty unwell for one reason and another. If I'm honest, and I want to be here, I felt really anxious about the whole thing. Much as i love my family part of me really didn't want to be there. I wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere quiet where I could lose myself. I just didn't feel comfortable. The food and everything was really nice (Strada at the ICC in Birmingham) but felt like I never really engaged. I was in the room but not completely there.
I know my family read this and it might upset them to know this but one of the reasons for keeping this journal is so I can brutally honest with the way I'm feeling.
This is something I've given some thought to. Everyone wears a mask (sometimes more than one). When asked "How are you feeling?", most people reply "Great" or "Okay". However inside they are dying inside. They want to run away and hide and make the world go away. This is me most of the time at the moment.
Part of the reason for this journal is to help me be more open with stuff, not to hide away until it consumes me and I end up back in the lands of despair. I want to have a positive outlook on things. If people ask me how I'm feeling I will tell them the honest truth. I don't want to wear that mask any more.
If you had asked me when I started writing this post how I felt I would have said pretty low, but after typing all of the above I feel strangely upbeat. Writing is a therapy.
How do I feel?
I feel good.
No!
I've actually been quite busy of sorts. Although the cold weather/ snow put a couple of things on hold, this week I have been ploughing my way through Under the Dome by Stephen King. It's a doorstep of a book but I'm really enjoying it. I've also been engaging in my regular therapy of painting my little manz and I'm steadily making progress on an Ancient Briton army.
I've still got an annoying cough that wont seem to go away and sometimes I'm coughing so much (particularly first thing in the morning) that my head feels like it is about to split open. Paracetamol is my friend here along with cough syrup (tasty!)
I've spent most evenings watching films - the Sword and the Sorceror, Salute of the Jugger and Sin City. Very relaxing even if one out of the three was awful and I know I will never get the time back.
Yesterday though for some reason I felt awful. I was coming home in the evening and just didn't want to be there. I've put it down largely to being cold and hungry (I was) which I sorted out when I got home, but I think part of me was lonely. When I was out the though of being on my own in the evening just seemed to gape before me like a giant black void. After I'd got home and eaten and settled down to watch Sin City, the feelings had passed but it was a reminder that there are bits in my head that still aren't working at 100%
Today was a family meal thrown by my parents to say thank you for all the help and support they had over the summer when they were both pretty unwell for one reason and another. If I'm honest, and I want to be here, I felt really anxious about the whole thing. Much as i love my family part of me really didn't want to be there. I wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere quiet where I could lose myself. I just didn't feel comfortable. The food and everything was really nice (Strada at the ICC in Birmingham) but felt like I never really engaged. I was in the room but not completely there.
I know my family read this and it might upset them to know this but one of the reasons for keeping this journal is so I can brutally honest with the way I'm feeling.
This is something I've given some thought to. Everyone wears a mask (sometimes more than one). When asked "How are you feeling?", most people reply "Great" or "Okay". However inside they are dying inside. They want to run away and hide and make the world go away. This is me most of the time at the moment.
Part of the reason for this journal is to help me be more open with stuff, not to hide away until it consumes me and I end up back in the lands of despair. I want to have a positive outlook on things. If people ask me how I'm feeling I will tell them the honest truth. I don't want to wear that mask any more.
If you had asked me when I started writing this post how I felt I would have said pretty low, but after typing all of the above I feel strangely upbeat. Writing is a therapy.
How do I feel?
I feel good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)