I was asked today if I'd given this journal up.
No!
I've actually been quite busy of sorts. Although the cold weather/ snow put a couple of things on hold, this week I have been ploughing my way through Under the Dome by Stephen King. It's a doorstep of a book but I'm really enjoying it. I've also been engaging in my regular therapy of painting my little manz and I'm steadily making progress on an Ancient Briton army.
I've still got an annoying cough that wont seem to go away and sometimes I'm coughing so much (particularly first thing in the morning) that my head feels like it is about to split open. Paracetamol is my friend here along with cough syrup (tasty!)
I've spent most evenings watching films - the Sword and the Sorceror, Salute of the Jugger and Sin City. Very relaxing even if one out of the three was awful and I know I will never get the time back.
Yesterday though for some reason I felt awful. I was coming home in the evening and just didn't want to be there. I've put it down largely to being cold and hungry (I was) which I sorted out when I got home, but I think part of me was lonely. When I was out the though of being on my own in the evening just seemed to gape before me like a giant black void. After I'd got home and eaten and settled down to watch Sin City, the feelings had passed but it was a reminder that there are bits in my head that still aren't working at 100%
Today was a family meal thrown by my parents to say thank you for all the help and support they had over the summer when they were both pretty unwell for one reason and another. If I'm honest, and I want to be here, I felt really anxious about the whole thing. Much as i love my family part of me really didn't want to be there. I wanted to be somewhere else, somewhere quiet where I could lose myself. I just didn't feel comfortable. The food and everything was really nice (Strada at the ICC in Birmingham) but felt like I never really engaged. I was in the room but not completely there.
I know my family read this and it might upset them to know this but one of the reasons for keeping this journal is so I can brutally honest with the way I'm feeling.
This is something I've given some thought to. Everyone wears a mask (sometimes more than one). When asked "How are you feeling?", most people reply "Great" or "Okay". However inside they are dying inside. They want to run away and hide and make the world go away. This is me most of the time at the moment.
Part of the reason for this journal is to help me be more open with stuff, not to hide away until it consumes me and I end up back in the lands of despair. I want to have a positive outlook on things. If people ask me how I'm feeling I will tell them the honest truth. I don't want to wear that mask any more.
If you had asked me when I started writing this post how I felt I would have said pretty low, but after typing all of the above I feel strangely upbeat. Writing is a therapy.
How do I feel?
I feel good.
It's a difficult one mate. When I was at rock bottom (and more recently tbh) I upset several people with the honesty of my blog. As a result I no longer use it.
ReplyDeleteIn the end though the benefit of being able to spill my guts like was too important. The important people will always forgive you in the end.
"After I'd got home and eaten and settled down to watch Sin City"
ReplyDeleteJust the film to watch when you're feeling down :)
I'm thrilled to see the Rush theme continuing as well.
As for masks, well, I could tell you a few things about that :)
Like Ant said Phil, this blog is for YOU. If other people can't take it, that's their problem. Writing about stuff IS great therapy, and it gets it out of your head and down on paper (or electronically). Keep doing things to make yourself happy, and actively seek them out. Dealing with loneliness is a skill, and it's one that will get easier with practice. Have you watched those Alain de Botton programs yet?
ReplyDelete